After reading the post below, use the worksheet above to pull those weeds of negative thoughts.
Below is an excerpt from my book, Postpartum Emotions. Although it was originally written for mothers, the tools here work for unruly emotions.
You drive to Safeway to pick up French bread for your spaghetti dinner. As you drive home, someone cuts you off and rudely honks at you like it was your fault. When you arrive home, what are you thinking about? You’re grumbling about the obnoxious person who cut you off, right?
Did you think about the fact that you have a car and don’t have to walk to Safeway? Or that you had gas in your car? Or that you didn’t have an accident? Or that you are healthy enough to drive to the store? Or that you have money to buy the bread? Or that there is food on the shelves for you to buy?
Unfortunately, our brains are hardwired to look for the negative. In the natural world, we have two primary goals in life: avoiding bad things and attaining good things. When it comes to survival, avoiding is more critical than attaining: Avoiding an enemy is more important than attaining dinner. If you’re using power tools, avoiding cutting your finger off is more important than attaining the finished project. If you’re cooking, avoiding poisoning your family is more important than attaining perfectly cooked spaghetti.
“The mind is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones,” says Rick Hanson in his book Hardwiring Happiness. In other words, bad thoughts stick while happy thoughts slide away. That tendency keeps us safe, but it can also keep us miserable. When we make one stupid mistake, we stay awake all night, kicking ourselves. If there’s a five percent chance of something wrong happening, we worry about it all day. But if someone compliments us, we shrug it off and forget it five minutes later.
Common Weeds/Negative Thoughts
This post discusses the weeds in our garden of thoughts. Some weeds are just annoying, while others are massive poisonous vines that take over and crowd out the flowers. Sometimes, weeds have strong roots, and you have to dig deep to get them out. Negative thoughts, just like gardens, need to be weeded every day.
The Cambridge Dictionary defines “stinking thinking” as “a bad way of thinking that makes you believe you will fail; that bad things will happen to you; or that you are not a very good person.”
In the book Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, Daniel G. Amen discusses negative thoughts and how to combat them. Much of the information in this and the following sections comes from his book.
The story above describes the weed of focusing on the negative. Here are some examples:
- “I said that stupid thing this afternoon. I can’t believe I did that, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.”
- “Oh no. I just got back from the store, and I see baby spit-up all down my shirt. How embarrassing. This has ruined my day.”
Then there’s a weed called all-or-nothing, which uses the terms “always” or “never.” Any sentence containing these words is probably not true. For example, I may feel like my husband “never” listens to me, but realistically, sometimes he does, and sometimes he doesn’t. If you find yourself using those words, reframe the sentence. Instead of saying, “I always mess up,” say, “Sometimes, I mess up, but I’m learning.”
- “I always say the wrong thing.”
- “You never help me!”
The weed of mind reading grows when you assume you know what others are thinking. In truth, you don’t know what they’re thinking. Most likely, they’re thinking about themselves and their own issues, not you at all. Examples of mind reading might sound like this:
- “My friends think I’m a bad mom. They talk trash about me behind my back.”
- “My boyfriend would leave me if he knew the crazy thoughts I’ve been having.”
Should statements are a particularly harmful type of weed. Every time you say a sentence with the word “should,” you increase your load of guilt and stress. It ends up being a vicious cycle—when you feel more guilty and stressed, you are less likely to accomplish all the things you “should” do. When you think about everything someone else should do, it breeds resentment, making you more miserable. Take “should” out of your vocabulary. Here are some examples of should statements:
- “I should lose weight, eat healthier, and exercise more. I should accomplish more during the day. I’m such a loser.”
- “My husband should be more caring. He should spend more time with the kids and change more diapers.”
Catastrophizing is when you assume the worst and focus on bad outcomes. Just remember, 90% of what we worry about never happens. Catastrophizing might look like:
- “My baby has an earache. It’s probably going to get worse, and she’ll need to be hospitalized.”
- “My friend doesn’t text me back. She doesn’t like me anymore. Nobody likes me or wants to be around me.”
Jumping to conclusions is when you think you know the outcome, even before you try. But really, you can’t see the future. Maybe you failed before, but now you’re older, wiser, and more likely to succeed. If you’re prone to jumping to conclusions, you might say things like this:
- “Counseling won’t help me. I’m too messed up.”
- “I failed in my last relationship. I’m going to fail at every relationship I try.”
Finally, unreasonable self-blame is a toxic weed that amplifies your inadequacies—whether real or imagined—and paralyzes you. Don’t forget that nobody is perfect. Like everyone else, you are human and flawed. Forgiving yourself is as important as forgiving others, but it’s much harder. Forgive yourself for not knowing back then what you know now. Some examples of unreasonable self-blame include:
- “I’m so stupid. I messed up so bad that nothing good is ever going to happen again.”
- “If only I were prettier or had a better personality, my boyfriend would not have left me.”
Seven Weedkillers for Negative Thoughts
1. Identify the weeds. Think about your thoughts. Are any of them common weeds, as described in the previous section? Negative thoughts are more easily eradicated if you’re aware of them.
2. Fight thoughts with words. Your brain believes what you tell it. It’s an odd concept, but it’s true. When you have a negative thought, rephrase it into a positive one and say it out loud. Saying it out loud embeds it more deeply into your subconscious. You may need to say it over and over again to convince your brain to believe it. For example:
- Old thought: “I always mess things up. I’m so stupid.”
Instead, say: “I sometimes make mistakes, but I learn from them and improve.” - Old thought: “I always overeat junk. I’m so weak.”
Instead, say: “I can eat healthier today by doing these things…” - Old thought: “I’m so pathetic. I can’t do this task without anxiety.”
Instead, say: “I have anxiety, but I’m working on a solution. What small thing can I do right now to help solve this?” - Old thought: “I’m so exhausted. My baby never sleeps. I will never feel rested again.”
Instead, say: “That’s not true. Someday, she will sleep through the night, and I will feel rested. This is only a season of my life. In the meantime, I will try to nap more when she naps or get a friend to come watch her while I sleep.”
3. Question the problems. Write down the people or events that are troubling you. They may be current problems, past problems, or ones you worry about happening in the future. Reread each one separately. If you feel overwhelmed, just pick one problem for now. Act on the others another day. Think about the following questions:
- Is it an actual problem or a potential problem? Sometimes, knowing this can relieve some stress.
- If it’s a potential problem, how likely is it to happen? Ninety percent of the things we worry about never come to pass, so don’t waste your time and energy on them.
- Can you change anything in your life right now that would help the situation? Is there anyone who can help you change it?
- Try writing a plan to deal with the problem. The plan doesn’t need to be perfect, but it can help you start thinking about the resources you have available should you need them. This will move you out of anxiety and toward a place of empowerment.
4. Create a new story for yourself. For each fear or concern you have, write down one or more ways in which you could think about it differently. Reframe the negative into a positive:
Have you suffered from rejection? “Rejection” is a lesson that helps you identify the people and experiences that may not be right for you so you can find different and better opportunities and connections.
Has your bad judgment made a big mess? “Failure” means you’re showing up for your life and learning from it. The only people who never fail are those who never try anything. “It is impossible to live without failing at something unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default.” – J.K. Rowling. “The secret of life is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.” – Paulo Coelho
5. Forgive yourself. Everyone—literally everyone—has done stupid or mean things in the past. It’s part of being human. We all know we should ask others for forgiveness, but we forget about forgiving ourselves. If your best friend confessed that they’d done the same thing, what would you tell them? “You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. It’s okay; we all mess up. It will pass. It will be fine. Don’t be hard on yourself.”
Think about a regrettable past event for which you still blame yourself and complete these sentences:
- “I am sorry and will not do… again.”
- “Back then, I didn’t know any better when I…”
- “I did the best I could with the knowledge available at that time.”
- “I learned some important lessons, and today, I am a stronger, wiser person. I will do things differently next time.”
6. Remember the most significant challenges you’ve faced and overcome in your past. Look at your strongest, wisest moments. Could you use the same strength and wisdom to conquer this challenge? What can you learn? How can you grow? When you do this, you put yourself in control. You are not a victim. You are an overcomer going through a struggle. When troubles happen, you can say, “Here I grow again.”
7. Have a five-minute pity party. When you’re overwhelmed and feeling sorry for yourself, set a five-minute timer on your phone and allow yourself to cry, complain, rage, feel miserable, and release all your emotions. When the timer dings, tell yourself the pity party’s over, and you need to do other, more important things.
Spending too much time feeling sorry for yourself is a pit that’s easy to fall into and hard to escape. But suppressing bad feelings can make them worse. Spending a limited time indulging in those feelings can help you process and then bring closure to them.
Weedkiller for Anger and Resentment
In 45 AD, in ancient Rome, the philosopher Seneca wrote, “My anger is likely to do me more harm than your wrong.” Mark Twain said, “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
Both depression and anxiety can cause anger and resentment. Anything you can do to reduce your depression and anxiety will also help decrease your anger. The following paragraphs describe an amazingly effective action that will help eradicate your anger.
Right now, write down the things that make you angry or resentful. Write as much or as little as you like. Then, take the paper, scrunch it up in a little ball, and throw it in the trash can—preferably the outside bin, not the one in your kitchen. If you have access to a paper shredder, that’s even more fun.
You will be amazed at how much lighter and calmer you feel by doing this simple exercise. It seems silly, but it gets results. And it’s cheaper and less painful than punching your fist through a wall.
In a study conducted in Japan, the researchers criticized volunteers in order to make them angry (Kanaya & Kawai, 2024). Then, they had the participants write down their angry thoughts. Some of them stored their papers in a box. Others were told to wad them up and throw them in a trash can. Next, they asked them how they felt. The ones who’d stored their papers had decreased their anger by a small amount, while the ones who’d thrown them away had almost wholly lost their anger.
“We expected that our method would suppress anger to some extent,” said Nobuyuki Kawai, lead researcher; “however, we were amazed that anger was eliminated almost entirely.” The researchers concluded that disposing of the paper in the trash can is critical in reducing anger (Nagoya University, 2024).
You can also do this in your mind. Picture what troubles you, then imagine yourself stomping on it, picking it up, and throwing it far, far away. Feel your stress evaporate.
Is Social Media a Flower or a Weed?
It is both.
For Molly, it’s a flower. Her story: Molly poured herself her morning coffee and opened Instagram. First, she laughed at some funny cat videos. Then she checked out her sister’s adorable children. They lived 1,000 miles away, but the posts made her feel like she was part of their lives.
While scrolling, she found a recipe for making broccoli appealing to a toddler. She scribbled it down so she could try it for dinner. Then, she spent a few minutes on her favorite news site to keep up with world events. Finally, she set down her phone and started her day.
For Katie, it’s a weed. Her story: Katie stared at her Instagram post. Yesterday, she posted the cutest picture of her baby wearing adorable panda pajamas. No comments yet. The only “likes” were from her mom and sister. She glanced at her feed and noticed Julie’s cute baby picture already had 23 likes and four comments.
To cheer herself up, she looked at some panda videos. That led to a post about alligators, which led to a post about the hurricane in Florida, which led to a post about climate change, which led to a post on the war in the Middle East. When she looked up, it was noon. “I can’t believe how lazy I am! And this world is so scary!” To recover from her stressful morning, she spent the rest of the day binge-watching Netflix and eating a whole box of ice cream.
Life is full of anxiety-inducing interactions that can lead to overthinking and hopelessness. Too much news can send you into a doom spiral: wars, disasters, crime, and political junk. You become convinced this world is a horrible place and question how you could bring a child into it.
Rather than reading the news, you might stick to social media. But soon, you believe all your friends are happy and prosperous while you are stuck at home with a crying baby and a pile of bills. You assume you will never be satisfied or prosperous again.
If you find yourself in these scenarios, severely limiting your time online or getting off the internet completely would be a great plan. Studies unequivocally show that people who spend a lot of time on social media have significantly increased anxiety and depression problems. Stop watering the weeds!
Accept the Weeds You Cannot Pull
Whether you are religious or not, Reinhold Niebuhr’s “Serenity Prayer” contains some excellent wisdom. We are strong, independent Americans who believe we are in charge of our own destiny and can solve all of our own problems. But then reality hits with the painful yet life-changing lesson that so much in life is out of our control.
- You are stuck with your annoying in-laws. You can set boundaries, but you cannot make them change. Your apartment may be tiny, and so is your budget. Someday, these things will change, but today, this is your reality.
- When your baby arrived, maybe your favorite party friends dropped you. You can’t control them, but you can share your brownies with the mom next door and perhaps make a new friend.
- Controlling, worrying, regretting, and manipulating are all pointless activities that waste your energy. They make you too exhausted to deal with the things within your power.
God, grant me the serenity (peace) to accept the things I cannot change,
- Much of what happens in life is not in your power to control. Let it go.
- You can’t change other people; you can only change yourself.
- When people you love make bad choices, say this repeatedly: “Not my circus. Not my monkeys.”
- You can’t control the past. It’s done. Yes, you messed up, made mistakes, and embarrassed yourself. It’s part of being human. Past failures are just lessons. Don’t live life looking in the rearview mirror. Keep your eyes on the road ahead.
- People have hurt you, maybe terribly. Remind yourself it wasn’t your fault, then keep walking. Don’t give them the power to destroy your present or your future.
The courage to change the things I can,
- What can you change? Your attitude. Your skills. Your reactions to what life brings you.
- If something is causing you stress, learn new ways to deal with it, or change things so you can deal with it. Maybe you need to change your job, friends, or habits.
- Don’t ignore problems; deal with them as best you can. Ignoring them makes them grow and wastes your energy worrying about them.
- It’s not easy, which is why you need courage.
- Don’t ever give up! You’ve got this!
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Write down everything you’re worried or anxious about. Then, cross out all the items you cannot change. Those are the items you need to pray for peace to accept. Don’t waste energy stressing out about them.
- Next, look at the things on the list that are not crossed out. These are the things you can strive to change. Pick one, and start taking action to solve it. Make sure it’s small, as you don’t have the energy for a big one right now. Baby steps.
- If you need help deciding which to cross out, ask someone else for their opinion. Being too close to a problem makes it hard to be objective.
Right now, you’re going through a season. It may feel like winter, but spring is coming—spring always comes. You must wait patiently for growth. Day by day, it may look like nothing is changing, but eventually, you will look around and realize winter is over and a new season has arrived.
