What if I told you I had a supplement that is scientifically proven to decrease heart disease, stroke, and dementia? It boosts your immune system, helps you heal faster, and extends your lifespan. It is highly effective in keeping addicts sober. It decreases stress, depression, and anxiety. It gives the biggest boost to your happiness as you get older.
Unfortunately, this miraculous supplement is not a pill.
A pill a day would be easy. This remedy is something much messier and more complicated. It’s called “relationships.”
The Study
Scientists began tracking the health and happiness of 268 Harvard sophomores nearly 80 years ago. JFK was one of them. Later, they added their wives, children, and some poor people. The study continues today.
Early researchers believed that their genes, intellectual ability, and personality traits determined how happy and healthy these men would become. They obtained yearly copies of their medical records. They studied their triumphs and failures in their careers and marriages. They looked at their family histories, handwriting, EEG’s, and EKGs. They even measured their skulls and counted their moles.
Good For Your Body.
Those scientists were surprised at the conclusions. The results showed that people who were most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. It didn’t matter their social class, IQ, or even genes. Yes, they found that poor eating, smoking, and alcoholism shortened their lives, but poor relationships shortened their lives even more. Connections are a vital source of emotional and physical health.
Another surprising conclusion was that friends matter more than family in these benefits, which is encouraging. If you have difficult family relationships, remember that everyone can make new friends, and that can improve your life right now and in the future.
Benefits of having good relationships:
- Greater sense of purpose
- Longer life. At our ages, that’s high on our list of concerns.
- Fewer effects of stress
- Less heart disease
- Less memory loss. That’s one of my worst fears of aging.
- Better healing
- Healthier behaviors
Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.” There you have it. The Bible says that if you don’t have friends, you aren’t very sharp.
Good For Your Soul.
Do you want to be happy? What would happen if you, today, decided to do everything you could do to make yourself happy? Think about what you would do. (Pause.)
Would it work? Researchers at the University of Berkeley decided to find out. The team questioned thousands of people in various countries. Their findings are not what you would expect.
If you deliberately try to make yourself happy, guess what?
- It WON’T work if you are an American.
- It WILL work if you are from Japan or Taiwan.
What!? If Americans want to pursue happiness, we might buy new shoes, watch a movie, or spend time reflecting on our accomplishments. BTW, 12% of Americans are on antidepressants. It’s not working.
The person from Japan would reach out to their friends or consider how to improve things for their group. In the end, they would have found more happiness.
If you want to be happier, be more connected to the group, be part of the whole.
- “So we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.” Romans 12:5
- “For we have great joy and consolation in your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed by you, br other.”Philemon 1:7
Society works better when people make connections with other people.
- Studies show that the majority of people with substance use disorders, who seek treatment, do so because of positive family and friend involvement and intervention. Those with strong social connections are the most likely to succeed in their sobriety.
- Babies, who are rarely held, don’t grow or develop well and can even die. Pediatricians encourage parents and other caregivers to hold babies often.
- Counselors know that building relationships and helping others are key tools for healing depression and anxiety in their clients.
Let’s go back to that first study. Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives. This effect is amplified as you get older. The happiest 80-year-olds in retirement were those who actively worked to replace workmates with new playmates.
Good social relationships are the most consistent predictor of a happy life. Instead of saying, “How can I make myself happier?” Say, “How can I make myself more sociable?”
What is Jesus’ plan for giving us joy? John 15:11-14 “These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full. This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. You are My friends if you do whatever I command you.” What did he command? Love. He laid down his life for us. Can we lay down a couple of hours to show love to one another?
Good For Your Spirit.
In Luke 11, the disciples asked Jesus, “Lord, teach US to pray…” So He said to them, “When you pray, say: OUR Father which art in heaven…” What is the first word? “OUR.” Not “MY, myself, or mine.” “OUR.” “Give US this day our daily bread. And forgive US our sins… And lead US not into temptation; but deliver US from evil.”
Ken Gurley said, “In the Western mind, we see things through the lens of the individual. The Eastern mind, in biblical days, viewed things through the lens of the community. There is a more open, public aspect to religion. We view prayer as a private act of personal discipline. Not so much a concerted attempt with brothers and sisters to reach and commune with ‘Our Father, which art in heaven…’”
The phrase “one another” is used 100 times in the New Testament. The word “saint” is found once. “Saints” (plural) is found 61 times. The idea of a solitary saint, some recluse high in the Himalayas, is foreign to the apostolic thought. We do life together. Are you apostolic? Then you value the power of “our.”
What did Jesus say? “Again I say unto you, ‘That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.’” Matthew 18:19, 20. United prayer has been the hallmark of all great revival movements and Awakenings in history.
“When we lock arms, we unlock His power. That’s the power of ‘our.’” – Ken Gurley
(Info in this section is from Ken Gurley’s excellent book, The Book on Prayer: An Invitation to an Awakening.)
Good for the Church.
Witnessing and outreach are vital for any church. What do we do with the visitors when outreach works? How many visitors have come into your church over the last 20 years? How many stayed? We are missing something.
We have a wonderful lady named Sister Linda in our church. If we stole her phone and searched her text history, we would find a long list of encouraging texts to various new people. If they were having trouble, she would encourage them. If we had a special church activity, they would get a personal invite. If we stole your phone, what would we find?
“Reasons People Stay in a Church,” according to my Google search:
- Authentic Relationships & Belonging.
- Spiritual Needs & Presence of God. Vesta Mangun once said, “The most important people today are the men and women of prayer. Not those who talk about prayer, nor those who say they believe in prayer, but those who take time to pray.”
- Good Pastor and Other Leadership.
- Involvement and Opportunities to Serve.
- Children’s Ministry.
- Routine & Tradition.
Of course, relationships are only ONE of the things that keep people in church. There are many other reasons beyond our control. If a person doesn’t want God, there is nothing we can do to keep them returning.
How to:
Am I good at this? No. My stomach to this day literally tightens up when I have to talk to a visitor. You know, “stranger-danger.” Relationships are something I’ve struggled with. It’s one of the most stressful parts of my life. But I am trying.
Ask yourself how often you:
- Go out with people to eat?
- Go to a park and have a picnic with friends?
- Call someone to see how they are doing?
- Really talk and listen to another person?
- Invite someone to your home to play games?
Ideas for growing your current relationships and for building new ones.
- Make others feel special and important. Romans 12:10 “Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another, not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord.”
- Actively listen to people and learn their stories. James 1:19 “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”
- Write down details about their lives so you don’t forget them.
- Take the initiative. Invite them out. Go out for coffee or dinner. Invite them on a walk or other activity. Put forth an effort to plan something.
- Make time. How much time would you have each day if you didn’t look at screens? Proverbs 17:17 “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”
- Accept them without judgment. 1 Peter 4:8,9 “And above all things have fervent love for one another, for ‘love will cover a multitude of sins.’ Be hospitable to one another without grumbling.” Quote: “A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” ― Bernard Meltzer
- Talk about Jesus. Often, when we do get together, we talk about our lives or current events instead of talking about Jesus.
- Express appreciation regularly to strengthen relationship bonds. John 13:34-35 “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”
In Conclusion
In the study, strong friendships were more predictive of a long and healthy life than a supportive family. It is hard, if not impossible, to change our family. But ALL of us can make more friends.
“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him, and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9 -12
Help! I don’t know what to say.
Instead of talking about the weather, learn a person’s story with questions like these. Listen without judgment. Be open and share your story with them. Avoid questions that result in just a “yes” or “no” answer. Those can end the conversation or lead to awkward silences.
Christian conversation starters:
What is a Scripture verse or passage that’s been meaningful to you lately?
What Christian book, song, or sermon has impacted you recently?
When do you feel closest to God?
What area of your faith are you feeling most challenged in currently?
What is a recent prayer God has answered?
What brought you to this church?
What churches have you gone to in the past?
Is there a ministry you are passionate about?
What are some things that have been on your mind the most today?
What is the high point of your week?
How do you typically spend time with God during the week?
What is one thing you’re thankful for today?
If you could have dinner with any Bible character, who would it be?
If the apostle Paul were alive today, do you think he’d be active on social media?
What is your favorite Bible story—and why?
What is one favorite childhood activity you wish you could still do today?
What brought you to believe in God?
General Conversation starters:
How many siblings do you have?
Where did you grow up?
What was your first job and how did you like it?
What is your favorite way to unwind?
What is a random topic you could rant about for 10 minutes?
If skill were not an issue, what profession would you have?
What’s the best trip you’ve ever been on?
Where is the next place on your travel bucket list?
What is your favorite book/movie/show right now?
What did you love doing as a child that you don’t do anymore?
What was your favorite subject in school?
What’s something you’ve changed your mind about recently?
What’s something that made you smile recently?
Got any fun plans for the weekend?
Have you tried any new restaurants/cafes lately?
References:
https://www.nm.org/healthbeat/healthy-tips/5-benefits-of-healthy-relationships
https://community.thriveglobal.com/relationships-happiness-well-being-life-lessons/
The importance of connections: Ways to live a longer, healthier life
https://www.succeedsocially.com/invitingpeopleoutexamples
